PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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