did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
