He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
