i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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