I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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