I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You were trust falling into bushes
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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