oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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