turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
