just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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