Jerry, you need to find god
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
