i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
