Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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