Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
