i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
