I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
