the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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