Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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