Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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