How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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