And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
