omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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