I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
