Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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