so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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