Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I deserve this hangover.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
