Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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