Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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