I want to stick my p in your. b.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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