the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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