I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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