That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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