just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
