I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
