Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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