I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
