Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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