They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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