every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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