Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...