in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
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Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought