He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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