I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
