I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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