she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
