He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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