Can Purell be used as lube?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
