im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
