I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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