What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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