in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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