she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
