I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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