Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
