The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you win again, gameday.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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