why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
