just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
