and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
