Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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